The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
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so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Jail
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.