I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
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I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.