What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
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Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period