Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
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Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
🙋♀️
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
A cabbage a day keeps people away.