War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
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Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.