I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
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My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Are you ok, human???