I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
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I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Cats (2019)
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.