*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
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Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
sigh
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Ah yes. The three genders
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*