Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
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NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
For those that worship cheese..
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.