Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
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You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.