Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
You Might Also Like
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…