my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
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My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.