Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
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Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.