When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
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18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Oh thanks BBC.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it