I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.