THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
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Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.