Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
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Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Does it…does it take 3 days
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no