Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
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I’ve had relationships like this
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
There’s always that one guy
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
[eats all your cotton candy]
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.