Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
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Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
#Caturday
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.