I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
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Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I need to update my racial profile.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…