Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
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WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
In Canada they just call them geese
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.