plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
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Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Stop being racist to kettles.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.