them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
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You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
True
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions