The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
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When I pack too much for a short trip.
the rocks need my help
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My therapist after every session
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.