Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
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First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I’ve been learning to cook.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”