Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
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1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.