them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
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God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
How dude HOW?!
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.