Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
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Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.