My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
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[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Finally, an explanation.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️