SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
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I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit