Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
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The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.