Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
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Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.