I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
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maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
This is my bus stop.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out