My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
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I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode