reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
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Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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5.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand