All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
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“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.