Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
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Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
the clam before the storm
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.