Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
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I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.