Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
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THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
this FaceApp is creepy af
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.