whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
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Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]