[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Peter Parker Peter Driver
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw