‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
You Might Also Like
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
A friend sent me this.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.