A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
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Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?