society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
You Might Also Like
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Van Gone
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Word.
~ Microsoft.