When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
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I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I need better friends
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”