My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
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This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
why no one uses midhusbands
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you