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My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
It’s an epidemic…
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Terribly Tuesday.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists