My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
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Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.