Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
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Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
“You drive, I’m tired.”