“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
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My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Omg 🤣
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.